My prayer this morning

As I climbed out of bed this morning, this was my desperate prayer to the Lord:
Father, I give you all of me. Yes, ALL of me. Even the messy parts. Even the ugly parts. Even the parts that I wish weren't there. Even the parts that I thank you for. Even the parts I so desperately want to change. Even the parts that are longing and searching for a husband. Even the parts that want to belong SO badly. Even the parts that don't make sense. Even the parts that you are changing. Even the parts that I WISH were changing. Even the parts that are full of joy and laughter and life. Even the parts that give me so much heart ache and pain. Even the parts that I want to control. Even the parts that I hide (ESPECIALLY the parts that I hide). Even the parts that don't make sense. (Did I say that already? A lot of parts don't make sense). Even the parts that aren't sure who I am, who YOU are, what you're doing or where we're going together. Even the parts you've so beautifully changed. Even the parts that I celebrate. Even the parts that reflect what a good Dad you are. Even the parts that are afraid. Even the parts that you've set free. Even the parts that are sad and lonely. Even the parts that are bitter and jealous and angry. Even the parts that are addicted. Even the parts that help me remember I'm not who I used to be. I give you EVERYTHING this morning. I want it to be true when I say "there's nothing I hold on to." I want to leave all of this, all of ME in a crumpled mess at your feet. Because I know there's no place I'd rather be, and there's no place all of these parts of me are safer. This is my greatest desire. My cry of hope to you. My song of letting go. My surrender. My prayer this morning.

emotional tsunami

I have this bad habit.
I stuff my emotions.
I "reason" them away.
I force myself to NOT feel them.
I brush over them.
I shove them down.
And then, on nights like tonight, ALL of those shoved, stuffed, reasoned-away emotions come rushing out.
Along with tears.
A lot of tears.
More tears than humanly possible.
This is a cycle.
My "crazy" cycle.
And I know exactly why I do it.
To make a very complex explanation short, it's because of fear.
A lot of fear of many things.
Mainly fear of: rejection, abandonment, pain, loneliness, lack of control (to name a few).
Tonight was a night where the flood gates came down, and the emotion hit me like a title wave.
So here I sit, in the aftermath of the emotional tsunami, processing through the pain. Sorting through the emotion. Working on the areas that God is so clearly exposing.
It's not easy.
It's messy.
It's hard.
But, I know it's worth it.
And the truth that I cling to on nights like tonight is that it's because of God's great, huge, never-ending, never-failing love for me that he calls me to walk through all of this.
And I know that he will NEVER leave me. That he will NEVER forsake me.

Chosen, adopted, forever.

You are Holy.
You are blessed.
You are loved.
You are CHOSEN.
You are without fault.
You are ADOPTED.
You are wanted.
You are pleasing.
Your freedom is purchased.
You are forgiven.
You have an inheritance.

As I read Ephesians 1 on Monday morning, tears fell uncontrollably down my face. The more I read, the more the tears came. As I glanced down at my soaking wet journal, I realized something: I had been believing lies about who I was. Old, sneaky, familiar lies. And these words, these beautiful, promising words, woke me up. They reminded me of WHO I truly am, of my incredible identity. They breathed fresh life into me. I am adopted. I am chosen. Forever. Those things don't change with circumstance. Those things are not conditional. Those things are forever. How easily I forget. Sometimes, I lose sight of who I am, and I forget to remind myself. But aren't reminders SO important? (As a lover of sticky notes, I know how necessary reminders are). So, on Monday morning, with a face full of tears, I decided I couldn't afford to forget any longer. I couldn't allow myself to neglect the reminder. As far as I'm concerned, knowing the TRUTH about who I am, and what I have is the most important thing. Living, leading and loving from a place of knowing my true identity has to be the priority.
It just has to be.
SO, here goes nothing... an entire summer dedicated to reading the book of Ephesians over and over and over again, until the pages are worn and my heart knows the truth. I hope you will join me. There are 6 chapters, so one chapter a day, with one day off. Pick your day. I want to be reminded until the reminder is so deep in my heart and my soul that it becomes as familiar as taking a breath.

a little emotional and a LOT thankful

Do you ever feel like you're EXTRA sensitive?
EXTRA emotional?
EXTRA passionate about something?
That's been me this past month or so.
It could be the up-coming trip to Africa to visit orphans for  14 days.
Or maybe it's the fact that God is pushing me in an uncomfortable and painful and wonderful direction.
Or perhaps it's both.
Whatever the reason, I find myself incredibly thankful.
Thankful for the loyal friends who stand beside me in the thick of it. Loving me. Encouraging me. Pushing me forward. Letting me figure things out. Allowing me to be real and honest with them through this whole process.
Thankful for a loving God, who is patient with me. Who embraces me all the time. Even when I'm a mess. Even when I make mistakes. Even when I lose my temper. Even when I have a bad attitude. Even when I don't trust him all the way.
Thankful for the way my heart breaks and beats for a generation to know the love of their Father.
Thankful for the love I have for the children I haven't even met yet.
Thankful for incredibly generous people who fully and completely believe in me. Even when I don't believe in myself.
Thankful for tears. Sounds crazy, I know, but I know God is up to something big when the tears come. Sometimes they're tears of joy, but mostly they're tears of pain. It hurts to grow. It's hard, and uncomfortable and a struggle. But I face the obstacles every day, tethered to the truth that God is with me. He won't leave me. He won't forsake me. He is a trustworthy, loving, faithful God.

As frustrating and painful and stretching and scary as this season is, I'm incredibly thankful for it and for all that will come out of it.

"When doubt fills my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer."

Dreams, passions, and Africa.

I love children.
I love the beautiful way they see the world.
I love the way they grasp God's love.
My heart beats for children, to see them grow up fully knowing their identity in God, for an entire generation to grow up being deeply rooted in God's love for them. Wouldn't that change everything?! Wouldn't that change their struggles? Wouldn't that change the world around them? God had given me faith to see this happen. I know that these children are going to change the world in incredible ways.
Sometimes, I feel like my heart is going to burst.
On Sunday mornings, I watch dozens and dozens of children of all ages flood the Stirring Kids hallway, and I am overwhelmed by God's love for these little people. I am overwhelmed by the incredible opportunity I have to help shape them. I am overwhelmed by how perfect and beautiful and powerful and wonderful they all are.
For a long time, I felt called to the children in my "backyard" as I like to say. The kids who are overlooked here in Shasta County. I felt called to pour out all of my love on the little ones I see each Sunday. It wasn't until about a month ago, when I heard of a team heading to Africa to serve in orphanages, that I felt God begin to tug on my heart to go. To leave, and serve His children in other nations. To experience his heart and his love for these kids, too! Once the idea invaded my mind, I couldn't stop thinking about it. About Africa, about the children there. About the kids with no moms and no dads, who needed this love that God has infused in my heart. So, that's exactly what I'm doing. For 12 days, I will be going to Africa to experience God's incredible love for the children there. Words don't do my excitement justice. I truly feel like God has been preparing me and my passion and my heart for this moment. Everyone keeps telling me that I will come back changed, and all I can say is I sure hope so. I can only hope and pray that God changes me in the greatest way possible.

As you can imagine, I was feeling so overwhelmed... and still kind of am, but I've begun to get some of the practical stuff taken care of. I got all of my paperwork submitted to the organization we (there are 6 others from the Stirring going on this trip!) are going through, Visiting Orphans. I have an appointment to get my passport all squared away. I am going in next week to begin chipping away at the long list of vaccinations I need to get in order to go, and return, healthy. I got my support letters out a few weeks ago, and am still trying to get them all delivered. If you're at all interested in supporting me through prayer or finances, I would love to get you more information! I still have about $2,500 to raise. $2,00 needs to be turned in by the end of May in order to book our plane tickets. Having faith with finances is a whole new world for me. I've always been able to provide for myself and the things I need, so depending on God and on the generosity of others is difficult, to say the least! But I can't even begin to tell you how INCREDIBLY generous people have been. I'm so thankful to be surrounded by people who not only love me, but love and support the dreams and passions God has given me.

I hope to use this blog to keep people up to date on my trip status, so keep checking in!

OH, I forgot to mention that my trip leader has selected me to be one of the group leader at the orphanages when we go. We are still figuring out what, exactly, this will look like but I'm so excited to have a bigger role to play with the children.

Wow, I can't believe I'm going to Africa...

Today is autism awareness day

I knew this little girl. I worked with her in her first grade class room. She was wild and passionate and kind and generous and sweet and sensitive and loud and playful and silly and wonderful. And she had autism. I will forever be changed by that little girl. She would greet me with the greatest hug each and every day. Some days were harder for her. She would struggle and stumble and cry and disobey and make poor choices. But my love for her never stopped growing. The way she fought. The way she never gave up. She was only 6 years old, but she taught me what it meant to persevere.

Did you know that around 1 in 88 children has been identified with autism spectrum disorder? Did you know that more children will be diagnosed with autism this year than with AIDS, diabetes & cancer combined? Did you know that autism is the fastest-growing serious developmental disability in the U.S? Autism has gripped my heart. This little girl, along with other boys and girls with autism, have captured my heart. And I will not stop praying, stop crying out to God, stop fighting, until I see autism gone. Each week at church, we read the Lord's Prayer. When we get to the part in it that says "Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven" the faces of these little ones come to my mind. I beg God, I plead and cry to him to let HIS will be done in their minds. To let Heaven come in their lives. I have faith that I will see it happen. I have faith that I will see autism-free schools and playgrounds and classrooms. I have faith that Heaven will come, and it will mean no more autism. Until that day, I will spread awareness. I will talk about the kind, goofy, lovely first grader who captured my heart. I will talk about the handsome, funny, darling little boy who I see every Sunday, full of life and hope. I will keep praying.

Today is autism awareness day.

Celebrate.

Sometimes, God has funny timing. It was just about a year ago today that I was sitting at the Risen King conference, questioning God and his goodness and his love and his desire for my me and my life. Things in my life were painful and confusing and I was coming out of an extremely difficult season. I was so overwhelmed by the battles I was fighting. I remember sitting at that conference, when I was given a note. A note that spoke God's truth. That reminded me to celebrate all that has happened in my life. All of the obstacles I had overcome. All of the ways God had picked up the pieces of my crazy, shattered life, and begun to put me back together. I tucked this note safely away, and would go back time and time again to read it. It would redirect my thoughts and would encourage the deepest places of my heart. I must have read this note over 100 times. It's words became etched on my heart. "Celebrate! This is a season of celebration for you!"
This morning, I was standing in the same building where this note was given to me. Suddenly, I began to see just how much has changed in my life. Just how much God has brought me through. Just how much I've overcome. Just how much victory I have. Just how much freedom I have. God's faithfulness literally brought me to tears this morning. Where there was once pain, there is now joy. Where there was once discouragement, there is now hope. Where there was once fear, there is now confidence. I was reminded again today to celebrate God's goodness and faithfulness to us. I'm so thankful for this note, and the way it acts as a reminder in my life. I can go back and remember where I was, and look at how far I've come. Remembering what we've come through is so important, as is celebrating our victories.

"He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground, and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a NEW song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their hope in the Lord."