My thankful moment.

Today, I'm thankful for this face.

How can you get mad at this face? I'm pretty sure it's impossible.
There's a lot going on in life right now, but it's moments that I spend with little faces like these that get me centered again. The stress will always be there. There will always be "things" to get done, but I cherish the time I get to play Hulk with this little dude...
Mo's quote of the day: "Noooooo Emmy! I not a sweet little boy! I MOSES!!"
I'm so thankful for these moments, and for this face.
Do you have thankful moments? That re-center you? Remind you of what's important in life? That get you back on track? What's your thankful moment of the day? Of the week? Who's face are YOU thankful for?

A thankful moment

I need a thankful moment.
I've been zipping through the days lately, not taking much time to appreciate the things I'm so thankful for. I found myself busy, stressed and discouraged today. I hate that. I couldn't get to the bottom of it... until just now. I realized I need a thankful moment. There's something about ignoring all of the negative, bad, annoying, discouraging, stressful, taxing things in the day and pinpointing ONE thing of thanks.
Today, I'm thankful for heartfelt Valentine's Day cards handcrafted by 7 year-olds.

Zeke made me this sweet card. I hung it right by my door. I look at it as I am rushing in and out of my room. It's importance to me goes beyond the message displayed on it. It holds great value in my eyes. I am so thankful for it. I hope that one day, Zeke knows how much I love him and his generous heart.

Family continued...

Living in Family has been hard for me.
I feel like I need to start by saying that I love my parents and my sister.
Very much.
My mom and dad have been incredible parents. They really have.
But it's safe to say that childhood wasn't a dream.
The truth is, things were difficult.
And those difficulties turned a scared, insecure little girl into an even MORE scared and insecure grown-up girl.
A girl who always questioned her place in her family.
Who never knew if things were safe.
Who didn't want to "rock the boat" or draw any kind of attention to herself.
Walk on eggshells. Don't make waves.
These were the messages that carried over into my adult life.
So, this is some of my baggage that I so slyly carried with me into this NEW family I found myself part of.
A family where people said it's OK to be yourself... but the fears remained.
A family where there was health and truth and understanding... but the fears remained.
What if they find out who I REALLY am, and leave?
Rejected.
Again.
What if I bear my soul, and they walk away?
Abandoned.
Again.
Living in Family has been hard for me.
But, as the walls came down, and the secrets came out, and the soul was beared (is that a word?), the craziest thing happened: This Family stuck around.
Nobody ran for the hills.
Nobody told me I was too much, that my baggage was too great to handle.
Nobody rejected or abandoned or betrayed.
As the walls came down, and the truth came out, I was received with love and compassion.
The fear in my heart was replaced with trust.
But it had to start with the walls coming down.
Family is hard.
It's messy and scary and all over the place.
But God hasn't called us to live on our own. We have been called to live in this crazy, messy, all over the place family. And as our walls start to come down, God will replace our fear with trust. He will replace our abandoned and rejected hearts with hearts that are loved and embraced and accepted.

Living in Family has been hard for me, but God has used this family to heal those wounded parts of my heart.

Today, I'm thankful for Family and the health that comes with it!

Best. Day. Ever.

Today was a big day for me.
I did something I've wanted to do for YEARS.
Something that will forever change my life.
Something that is so wonderful and beautiful that it brought a tear to my eye....
Today, ladies and gentlemen, I bought the Dyson Animal.

Upon arriving home with it, I ripped the box open, carefully put it all together, and vacuumed to my little heart's desire.
What a great day.

We also had a wonderful day of staff fun-ness at blacklight mini golf. It was a blast. I lost. BAD. But, ya know what, I really could care less. We had so many laughs. I love all-staff days. Our team is amazing. And we have fun. A lot of fun.

Dan asked some really great questions today during our "this-is-the-business-part-of-the-meeting" time. I think I'll talk more about that tomorrow.
For now, I'm going to head off to dreamland, with visions of Dyson's in my happy little head.

We are Family....

Today I:
-Ran
-Read
-Shopped
-Cried
-Cleaned
-Rearranged
-Ate
-Laughed
-Baked

And a few other things too.

It was a great day.

I spent a good portion of my day at Starbucks reading, journaling, praying, reflecting... Jim Botts brought a great word yesterday at the Stirring. All about Family. The main idea was that, when God becomes your Father, God's family becomes your family. He talked about how we need to embrace family and community in it's fullness and realness... AKA it's messiness! But the truth of it is, we need each other. We need the health of our family when we are in need of healing. When we are damaged and hurting, we need the health of our family to guide us and keep us alive. The same goes for other members of the family. When others are lost and hurting, they need us to come along side them and help them! We can't do this alone!

I was reminded last night of the amazing family I have at the Stirring.
The men and women who have come along side me over the past few years, ESPECIALLY over the past several months have changed me forever.
The importance of family is evident in my life.
I would NOT be where I am today if I went at it alone.
This is one of the hardest topics for me. Family. For a lot of reasons, but I'll save that for another day.

Family is what got me through.
Family and God :)
I'm in. 100%. Sold out. This is my family.

Today, I am thankful for family.
And sunshine.

Giving Thanks

Christmas decorations are officially coming down today. I honestly can't believe how quickly the time went. Christmas was a whirl-wind of traveling, celebrating, best friends, family, laughing... it was simply perfect. Probably the best Christmas I've ever had. My hear is full of thanks when I look back and realize just how beautiful my Christmas was. I'm thankful for a family (both biological and "adopted") who loves me without limits. I'm thankful for God's ever-present hand in my life. I'm thankful for the way my heart felt full for the first time in years. I'm thankful for the diversity that is my life. I'm thankful for what's next. Ringing in the New Year is something I absolutely love. Not only is it a time to look forward to the new possibilities and potential ahead of me, but it is also a time to stop. To look back. To reflect. To give thanks. To CELEBRATE the trials I've come through in the past year. To acknowledge that it was a hard year, but I survived it. Not only did I survive it, but I lived through it. I kept taking steps. Even if they were itty, bitty, tiny baby steps, they were steps that I continued to take. It would have been so easy to hide it, to bury it, to deny the reality of the things I needed to face and to push it back under the rug. And walk away. But instead, I faced it head on. It was hard. There was nothing easy about it, but I'm thankful to look back and see the progress. See the growth. See the joy. See that God doesn't give up on his children. See that he will always redeems his promises. I love what Paul says in Philippians 1 ...."And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." This is a verse that, in this past year, I took with me. I would post it on my mirror, in my bathroom, on my desk, in my car. I'd take it with me. In my pocket. A constant reminder that God's work is NOT done, and he will continue his good work in me.
So today, I am excited. I am thankful. I am full of hope. A new year is just around the corner. I couldn't be happier. Not happy in a "I'm-so-stinking-glad-this-darn-year-is-over" kind of way, but in a "Look-at-what-God's-done-in-a-year" kind of way.
I can't wait to share some of my goals for 2011... but that's another Blog.

Here's a picture of me celebrating my 26th birthday. I'm 26. That's wild.

Living from the present

My days have a certain familiarity to them.
Tuesdays and Thursdays I wake up before the sun, hit the trails (usually 2-4 miles)
Home by 7
Shower
Eat breakfast
Head to "my spot" (AKA Eureka Way Starbucks) for an hour or so of journaling and reading.
Then head to work!
After that, the routine just consists of work-type stuff... meetings, e-mails, copies, phone calls, more meetings... you get the gist.

The rest of the week is pretty similar... there are things that I do every week at the same time in the same order. I like order. I like structure. I like routine.

That's why trips home are hard for me.
Not sleeping in my own bed, not sticking to my schedule, no structure, no routine, no familiarity. It can make me turn into a bit of a grouch.
SO, today among the chaos that ensues during this season, I found some familiarity. I hit the trail bright and early (letting myself sleep in a whole half an hour!!) then headed to Starbucks... it felt good. It felt familiar. I needed that.

You see, home doesn't really feel so much like home anymore. I was born and raised in Arcata, CA. I went to elementary through high school with the same people. When I moved away, I began to form new friendships, new families, a new "home". So, when I come back, the old memories rush back to me. The places of my youth almost seem to haunt me. I drive by places and remember the time spent there, the times associated with the places, the pain associated with those times. You can see how it would become a bit overwhelming.
But this year, this trip home, I vowed it would be different. I vowed to take the work God's been doing in me and let it stand as a new foundation in my life. I wouldn't be knocked down this time. I would bring my new routines and my new, healthy life along with me and let it meet the "ghost of Christmas' past" if you will.
And today, that's exactly what I did.
I'm no longer that scared little girl.
I'm no longer that wounded high schooler.
I'm no longer that confused 18 year-old.
My life is a new life. And that's where I'm living from today. Not from the past that always tries to haunt me, but from the present, and from the place that God has brought me.
What a beautiful day it was.

December: Birthdays and Staff meetings

Confession: I hate the smell of ketchup. It makes me gag. I don't mind the taste of it (as long as it's accompanied by something... french fries, tater tots, grilled cheese, whatev) but the smell gets me every time.

Once a month, our entire staff comes together to talk through the month's happenings, and to celebrate any birthdays that happen to fall on that month. Today was our day together. It was amazing for 2 reasons. The first reason is because we got to celebrate my birthday :) I'll be turning 26 on Christmas Eve (yeah, yeah, yeah, bummer deal, I know... it's not all that bad though). I selfishly enjoy my birthday. I enjoy being sung to, I enjoy eating cake (Amy hooked us up with some great cup cakes), I enjoy having people snap pictures of me :) Say what you will, but I know that every one of you, deep down inside, LOVES to celebrate your birthday. It's your day.

The second reason our staff meeting was amazing was because our team is incredible. I was sitting there today, looking around the room, and found myself overcome with appreciation.
Appreciation for having a job where I get to live out my passion EVERY DAY. Appreciation for the individuals who sit next to me and laugh with me, cry with me, tell me I'm being a brat (it happens sometimes... don't judge me).
Appreciation for the leaders who sit with me and ask me the hard questions, who walk with me through some of the hardest struggles I've faced yet, who celebrate on the amazing days and encourage on the hard ones.
I'm just so thankful to be part of a team where we are all rooting for each other. Where I know I'm loved and supported and accepted. I love the moments when we get to come together and laugh as a team. Where we get to put all of the details and demands on the back burner and just enjoy each other. I love the way Aaron and Nate bust out in song about Jenna and Kendall, and the way Sean always has something SUPER sarcastic, yet amazingly funny to say, and the way Meg never misses a single detail, yet she always has the most witty and clever come-backs, and the way we always get off on tangents, and Dan (being the one deemed most responsible) has to reel us back in and get us back on track. I'm thankful to be part of this crazy team of dreamers. And I'm thankful that in 23 short days it will be my day of celebration.

Here's a pic of the three December babies. We're pretty great, aren't we?

Day 30: Moments

Today is the last official day of the Gratitude Challenge. It's hard to believe that November is over. It's hard to believe that I've been blogging for close to 30 days straight. It's hard to believe that I STILL have things to blog about (that people will actually read!!) Each day, each item of thanks comes to me in a moment. One minute I'm just working away in the office, the next I realize JUST how thankful I am for a job that I truly cherish and look forward to every day. One minute I'm chasing Sofia down, trying to get her to wash her hands, the next I'm moved to tears with my thankfulness I have for the 4 year-old who has my heart. One minute I'm driving in my car, rocking out to some Jimmy Eat World, the next I'm struck by the power of music, the ability it has to transport you back in time, to a specific moment.
Today, on day 30 of this 30 day challenge, I am thankful for these moments. I'm thankful for the awareness of my blessed life. I'm thankful for the ability to pause, for just a moment, and truly feel the gratitude I have for the things in my life. This challenge has been so much more than just a clever way to broadcast my witty sense of humor. It's been a change in posture, a true transformation of the mind. Because, you see, when I started this challenge, I wasn't sure I could find something to be thankful for every day. I was bitter, and angry, and focused on the hard and negative things in my life. I was so overtaken by the amount of grief and trauma that's been my last 25 years. I was so wrapped up in the past that I couldn't see the incredible and wonderful things that made up my life TODAY. I'm not sure what I'm more thankful for: These perfect, freeze-frame moments that bring me so much thanks and gratitude, or the clean slate, the fresh canvas that lies ahead of me. This new life that I've been given, where no one else holds the brush; where I get to decide the story that's written. I'm thankful for this challenge. I'm thankful for the eye-opening effect it's had on me. I'm thankful for the people who have been reading these blogs, rooting me on. The challenge may be over, but don't stop reading! There's plenty more gratitude where this came from. Like I said before, I plan to keep on blogging, keep on growing, keep on sharing. Hold on people, you're in for a ride!!

Now, any blog of mine wouldn't be complete without a picture of one of my favorite little people!

Gratitude Challenge: Day 8

Day 8
Thanks to all of you who are following my Gratitude Challenge. I'd like to think I'm bringing blogging back... maybe I'm a little ahead of myself, but hey, a girl can dream, right?

Back to the thanks-giving... today I think I am most thankful for this sweet and sassy little girl, and the priceless conversations we have. Like the one we had on Saturday night where she informed me that she was Jesse (from Toy Story) and I was Bullseye (Jesse's loyal sidekick/horse) and she MUST ride on my back to see "her Buzz" (her little brother Moses of course) in the Toy Store (AKA the bedroom). When I agreed to the adventure she squeezed my neck and announced in one big breath, "Oh Emee, Iloveyasomuch!!"

She may only be 3 years old, but every minute I spend with her, she teaches me more than I could ever imagine... about love, patience, nail-painting, imagination, tea parties, compassion, Barbies... and Disney Princesses of course! As adults, we'd like to think that our presence in a child's life influences and changes that child, but in this case, I think it's indeed the opposite: I hope one day she reads this and knows that, at the age of 3, she had already changed my life forever. Today I am thankful for Sofia.

'Tis the season...

The holiday season is in full swing, and I must tell you all that I'm excited. About many things. Here are just a few of them:
-School being over (4 more days!!)
-School starting (last semester of undergrad!!)
-Going home for Christmas (I get to see my best friend of almost 20 years AND I get to see my amazing family!)
-January 11 (Heading to Utah to see another of my very best friends!)
-December 24 (my 25th birthday!)
-January 1 (the beginning of a whole new year!!)

I realize that most people dread their birthday coming, but for some reason I've ALWAYS loved celebrating my birthday! I love looking back on the previous year and seeing all the growth. I love recognizing God's work in my life. This year has been the best of my 24 years so far. I truly blessed, and can't wait to celebrate that on December 24th! What's even better is I get to celebrate it with Annette, my best friend since Kindergarten and my family. Although I can't always explain EXACTLY what it is that God's doing in my life to my family, I know they can see a change in me. A change in my attitude, in my behavior, in my LIFE. And I know this change is because of God... they may not know the Lord, but they know me, and HOPEFULLY they see Him through the changes in my life.

Along with the many things I'm excited about, there are a few things I'm NOT so excited about. Although this list is MUCH shorter, it exists none the less.
-My 5 finals (boooooooo)
-Driving 299 to the coast during the snowy-est time of the year
-Saying goodbye to some of my favorite buddies from English class

I'm now off to study my life away for my 5 finals. Hopefully the next time I blog I will be done with at least one of these dreaded finals!!

Catch up, or Ketchup? :)

I think I've officially been kicked out of blogging world. It's been about 3 years since my last blog. Shoot, sorry! Life has been great, so I guess I have a lot to catch you all up on...
-I went home for Christmas. Home being in Humboldt County (Arcata to be exact). Usually this is an all too familiar experience which usually leaves me in tears on my birthday, and aching to leave a day early. This year, however, I was pleasantly surprised by my Christmas visit. I enjoyed playing a few different board games with the fam (Apples to Apples and Scategories) and got to spend a few extra hours with my very best friend (since Kindergarten).
-On the 24th of December I turned 24 (my golden birthday!!) and spent the day with the best friend and the family.
-On Saturday I drove back over the mountains to Redding. For the record, this was the first time EVER that I was actually scared while driving home. The entire drive was slushy, and the road was totally iced over in some spots. Driving over Buckhorn was the worst. There were a good two inches of slush on the top of the summit, and my poor little Nissan was sliding all over the place. Lucky for me I've driven the road a time or two, and knew that I would be okay if I waited for the snow plow to pass me :)
-Sunday we had one gathering for the Stirring. So weird. I left the church at noon, and honestly didn't know what to do with myself. I kept watching the clock, waiting to head back for the 5:00 service... it was strange. I've got to admit, as much as I enjoyed having the afternoon/evening to myself, I really kind of hated it. I'm such a creature of habit!
-I've been off of work and out of school for over a week, and I'm really getting used to it.
-I'm half way done with book 4 of the Twilight saga. As Meghan once said I'm "addicted to vampires!"

That's about life for me right now. My New Year resolution is to TRY and train for a half marathon. I know it will probably never happen, what with the back surgery four months ago, but I need a goal, and this sounded like a good one. I'd also like to FINALLY get my tattoo that I've been dreaming about for over a year... does that count as a new years resolution?? I'll leave you with the picture I sent out with my Christmas cards. I hope it brings you much joy :) :) :)

Rediscovering my Best Friend

Annette has been my best friend since Kindergarten. We bonded over finger paints and story time on the carpet. Her house was the first house I ever spent the night at. She would never let me play with her Polly Pockets... so when she left the room, I would sneak them out from their not-so-safe hiding spot under the bed and get my fix. We used to fight like sisters. Sometimes, we still do. Annette has been through some hard times with me. Jr. High was no cake walk for either of us, but we had each other, so not much else mattered.

When we got into high school, we kind of went our own ways. I was on the soccer and basketball team for all four years, and found a new circle of friends there. It was never like we had some huge fight, and never talked to each other after that, it was just one of those things that just kind of happen. No hard feelings. We went through all four years of high school without really talking to one another, but on the day I was leaving Arcata for Redding, I randomly called her to say good-bye. I guess God knew we needed each other in this new chapter of life, because from that day on, we rediscovered our friendship and it was like we had never skipped a beat. We picked up right where we left off. I remember it so clearly, it seemed like nothing had changed at all. Four years of our lives had gone by, but we were still able to fall into place in the others life. We knew each other so well. I was the only person who could really calm her down, and she was the only person who could really push my buttons.

Annette is the best friend I'll ever have. I find myself speechless when I try to describe her, because she is just Annette. We are so much alike, yet so opposite at the same time. I love her, and don't tell her nearly enough. How many people can say they've had a best friend since Kindergarten? Our friendship grows stronger with each year that passes. We're more like sister in all honesty. Here are a few pictures of us from the years we've spent together. I'm trying to talk her into moving to Redding... that would be the best day of my life.

FINALLY!

So my surgery was a success. I'm so glad to have it behind me. I've been in the hospital for two days, and have had countless visitors. I feel so spoiled, it's unbelievable. My back is feeling great. It's still pretty hard getting into and out of bed, but for the most part I'm back to my old self. Thank you to everybody who's been praying for me. I can totally feel the Lord with me right now. And thanks to everyone who's stopped by to say hello. I really appreciate all of the company and familiar faces. I love you all and can't tell you how blessed I am to have such an amazing community behind me in such a scary time. I hope that the recovery process continues to go smoothly, and that people keep on stopping by! Thanks again!! Love you all.

FAMILY-it just "clicked"

So I've decided I'm not very good at this "blogging" thing. I'm just not very graceful with my words, thats all. I always start a blog, get half way through it, then get totally frustrated, and erase the entire thing. This is my fifth attempt at this particular blog, so bare with me. 

Last night at the Stirring we began a new conversation about family. Nathan did such an fabulous job of addressing the eye opening topic of the family God has intended us to become part of. How, although our biological family may not provide us with the love and support we desire, there is an entirely different type of family out there, waiting for us to join. (How am I doing so far? Still making sense??)

Okay, so toward the end of the night, Nate began to pray for the different members of this family of God.... He began with the Fathers- talking about how they need to call out their sons and daughters, and provide for them with support. Then he began to pray for the Mothers, and something really went a bit crazy in me. I have no children, I don't even have any younger siblings. I am not an auntie to any little boys or girls, but when Nate started praying for the Mothers, I began to think about who I am. You know, my personality, my role at work, my role at the Stirring, my role to my friends, my role in this family of Christ... and it clicked. It totally clicked. I am a Mother. I am a nurturer. I love to bake cookies and treats for my friends. I love to sit with a friend (or a total stranger!) who is going through a horrible time, and provide advice, a shoulder to cry on, a place to come and find safety. I love being around children (HELLO!! I spend hours with tons of them on Sunday nights!!). Do you even know how many times in my life I've been told "Emily, you are such a MOTHER!!" At work, I'm the one telling people to be nice to each other, and constantly (yes, CONSTANTLY) picking up after people, and not even thinking twice about it. I'm always bring treats for the people I work with, and just making sure everybody is doing okay in general. I befriend the newest person, and try to make sure they feel at ease and welcome at work. At my last Life Group, one of the guys in it told me that I just gave off this motherly energy, like you could come to me, and just be yourself and be accepted. All of this is suddenly making sense to me. It's like God's been dropping me these subtle hints, and He finally got kind of annoyed that I wasn't getting it, and helped me figure it out! HA! I like to think that God has a sense of humor :) 

But seriously, I'm only 23, and I realize that I have a lot of living left to do, but I'm such a motherly figure in this family. Maybe not as motherly as some (those who are ACTUALLY mothers perhaps!) but I've got some of it figured out, ya know? I know how to love. I have such unconditional love for so many people. Some of them that I've only just met. For so long I couldn't figure out why I was able to love people so easily, and so wholeheartedly, without even thinking twice. I've always loved to nurture people, and now I can begin to understand why God's given me this amazing gift. But now, how do I put it into action? How do I seek people out, and offer this love and support and advice and comfort without looking like a CRAZY?  This is the point I'm at right now, and some of the questions I'm struggling with. I appreciate those of you who've provided me bits of enCouragement in the past. I love knowing people are actually reading this silly blog (that I'm not so great at). 

I'm so excited about the place God's given me in His family. It really just gives me this sense of ease and joy. And seriously, I really do enjoy baking cookies, brownies, rice krispie treats (no real baking involved, but still delish!) so any special requests? Let me know! 

Thanks all, much love! OH, and I'm feeling LOADS better! My head is clear, my nose is clear, my chest is clear, my throat doesn't hurt.... just this gnarly sounding cough... I can live with that!! 

Meet my Mamma!

Everybody, meet my mother. I don't know how to put into words just how much I love her. She's my best friend, my favorite phone call, my strength and inspiration. I only get to see her every once in a while because she lives over in my home town (Arcata) and doesn't get much time off from work to come visit. However, today was one of the rare occasions she DID get to come visit! She showed up at around 10 a.m. and we chatted over coffee for about an hour, then went to lunch, then headed off to shop. I just have so much fun with her whenever I get to see her. I love her company so much, and always find her advice the most useful! I'm so blessed to have a mother who has provided me with so much love throughout my life. Unfortunately she had to head to the Bay Area, and left about an hour ago (3:00) but it was such a refreshing visit! She loves me so much, and I know how lucky I am to actually KNOW how loved I am by her. If you ever get the chance to meet her, you will feel her love immediately! I love her! I guess ya'll get that point by now  :)