emotional tsunami

I have this bad habit.
I stuff my emotions.
I "reason" them away.
I force myself to NOT feel them.
I brush over them.
I shove them down.
And then, on nights like tonight, ALL of those shoved, stuffed, reasoned-away emotions come rushing out.
Along with tears.
A lot of tears.
More tears than humanly possible.
This is a cycle.
My "crazy" cycle.
And I know exactly why I do it.
To make a very complex explanation short, it's because of fear.
A lot of fear of many things.
Mainly fear of: rejection, abandonment, pain, loneliness, lack of control (to name a few).
Tonight was a night where the flood gates came down, and the emotion hit me like a title wave.
So here I sit, in the aftermath of the emotional tsunami, processing through the pain. Sorting through the emotion. Working on the areas that God is so clearly exposing.
It's not easy.
It's messy.
It's hard.
But, I know it's worth it.
And the truth that I cling to on nights like tonight is that it's because of God's great, huge, never-ending, never-failing love for me that he calls me to walk through all of this.
And I know that he will NEVER leave me. That he will NEVER forsake me.

Chosen, adopted, forever.

You are Holy.
You are blessed.
You are loved.
You are CHOSEN.
You are without fault.
You are ADOPTED.
You are wanted.
You are pleasing.
Your freedom is purchased.
You are forgiven.
You have an inheritance.

As I read Ephesians 1 on Monday morning, tears fell uncontrollably down my face. The more I read, the more the tears came. As I glanced down at my soaking wet journal, I realized something: I had been believing lies about who I was. Old, sneaky, familiar lies. And these words, these beautiful, promising words, woke me up. They reminded me of WHO I truly am, of my incredible identity. They breathed fresh life into me. I am adopted. I am chosen. Forever. Those things don't change with circumstance. Those things are not conditional. Those things are forever. How easily I forget. Sometimes, I lose sight of who I am, and I forget to remind myself. But aren't reminders SO important? (As a lover of sticky notes, I know how necessary reminders are). So, on Monday morning, with a face full of tears, I decided I couldn't afford to forget any longer. I couldn't allow myself to neglect the reminder. As far as I'm concerned, knowing the TRUTH about who I am, and what I have is the most important thing. Living, leading and loving from a place of knowing my true identity has to be the priority.
It just has to be.
SO, here goes nothing... an entire summer dedicated to reading the book of Ephesians over and over and over again, until the pages are worn and my heart knows the truth. I hope you will join me. There are 6 chapters, so one chapter a day, with one day off. Pick your day. I want to be reminded until the reminder is so deep in my heart and my soul that it becomes as familiar as taking a breath.